When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she’ll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she’d fly
I’m a sap. Always have been, and I always will be. I was driving into work and a song came on the radio, Paradise by Coldplay and then the song Innocent by Our Lady Peace. I’ve been trying so hard to love this life I live, to be happy. That sometimes just the simplest lyric can make me think thoughts that I shouldn’t. Then I just feel ashamed, sad, lost….. Then the tears came.
I get so angry at myself for not being happy. It’s like why do I crave more? I hate loving two people at the same time. I hate that I can’t shut off feelings when I should. I hate not being able to tell my best friend that I love him but I love someone else. I hate that I love someone else and that someone doesn’t love me the same way. I hate that I feel this way. I hate it all. I just want to stop feeling for a day. Forget who I am for a day. Sit on a beach, let the sun bake my pale skin and just be.
I’m tired of heady rushes of heat, of feelings that shouldn’t be there. I’m tired of guilt and sadness. Sitting in my car and crying. I’m tired of my darling husband seeing my sadness and asking me if I’m going to start my period. Just because a woman is sad it doesn’t mean she’s going to have her fucking period! But I have to say I hate that hormonal surge I get every month. I didn’t have periods for almost six years because I was so overweight. Now I have them every 28 days like clockwork. It sucks… Sorry, my ADHD kicked in and I went on a tangent about my damn period!
I really like being sparkly, energetic, and happy. But with it comes sadness, guilt and shame. If it’s only on occasion I think I can deal with it. I have to keep remembering this is a good life I have. I am so loved. And knowing that heals me. Even when the sadness creeps in…..