Just love when a day starts with tears…..

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she’ll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she’d fly

Paradise-Coldplay

 

I’m a sap. Always have been, and I always will be. I was driving into work and a song came on the radio, Paradise by Coldplay and then the song Innocent by Our Lady Peace. I’ve been trying so hard to love this life I live, to be happy. That sometimes just the simplest lyric can make me think thoughts that I shouldn’t. Then I just feel ashamed, sad, lost….. Then the tears came.

I get so angry at myself for not being happy. It’s like why do I crave more? I hate loving two people at the same time. I hate that I can’t shut off feelings when I should. I hate not being able to tell my best friend that I love him but I love someone else. I hate that I love someone else and that someone doesn’t love me the same way. I hate that I feel this way. I hate it all. I just want to stop feeling for a day. Forget who I am for a day. Sit on a beach, let the sun bake my pale skin and just be.

I’m tired of heady rushes of heat, of feelings that shouldn’t be there. I’m tired of guilt and sadness. Sitting in my car and crying. I’m tired of my darling husband seeing my sadness and asking me if I’m going to start my period. Just because a woman is sad it doesn’t mean she’s going to have her fucking period! But I have to say I hate that hormonal surge I get every month. I didn’t have periods for almost six years because I was so overweight. Now I have them every 28 days like clockwork. It sucks… Sorry, my ADHD kicked in and I went on a tangent about my damn period!

I really like being sparkly, energetic, and happy. But with it comes sadness, guilt and shame. If it’s only on occasion I think I can deal with it. I have to keep remembering this is a good life I have. I am so loved. And knowing that heals me. Even when the sadness creeps in…..

13 thoughts on “Just love when a day starts with tears…..

    • You’re welcome my dear. It’s hard to write about. It makes me anxious, but it really is how I feel. I don’t know if I’m brave or stupid.🙂 I just have to write the feelings out. Put it to paper. And hope that it will make me feel better…..

      • Oh my darlin’ my draft file is huge! The things that I’ve written that I’ll never share is daunting. Sometimes it’s good to write it out, read it and then delete it. I do save some things though and just read them over and over. I think of the damage that it would do though and know I could never post it….

    • Yes we are. And as I tell my story, I find I’m not in the minority. So many of us are living lives of quiet desperation. We’re happy but we’re not HAPPY. We do our best to muddle through this life we’re given, and hope for the best….

  1. Renee, Renee, Renee. You are in a pickle aren’t you! You know you gotta sort this out right? One way or another you have to make a choice, and that’s where the suffering is. Our fear of what we’ll lose is usually greater than the dream of what we’ll get. So we get stuck, but being stuck is neither one or the other so we prolong the suffering. I pined for a girl for 9 years. Convinced myself there was nobody else for me. Then, I decided to make a choice. Remarkably, what I thought would be worse was a whole lot better. Find your reason to choose. I wish you all the best with that.

    • Yes Stu I am in quite the pickle. For me the choice has been made though. The person I pine for is one of my dear sweet friends. And though he loves me, he doesn’t love me the way I do him. So I made the choice to keep him in my life but as a friend. Most days are good. But some days just aren’t. Like today. I know my life is good and that keeps me anchored. My dear husband is my anchor. He believes in me more than I could ever hope for. More than I believe in myself. And for that I’ll be forever grateful. I just don’t know where to go from here….. What do I do?

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