Do I Want to Give This Blog Up?

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” ― Marilyn Monroe

(I do believe I’m a lot like Marilyn. I’m not sure why I feel a kinship with her. I guess because all I want is to be loved and understood.-Sparkly Girl)

There are times in my day when I think about writing and it overwhelms me to the point that I don’t know if I can write another word. I I have met people while doing this writing thing that have changed my life. In good ways and bad. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and I think I may want to get off the ride now. I’ve found this passion and I’m feeding it. But at what cost? To become emotionally connected with people I don’t know? And then lose that connection and be devastated? Where is my happy medium? Why can’t I find it anymore?

Maybe I never had one. Maybe this is how I’ve always been. Mixed up, confused, discombobulated, crazy and too clingy. I’m forever changed by the words I’ve written on these pages. I’m changed by all of those that I have “met” while doing this. I’m having a hard time prioritizing my life. I want to write a book. I’ve written the ending. I’ve written the first two chapters, but now I need to continue it. To put the meat in the sandwich, I guess. It’s a love story of course. It’s what I do well for the most part. How I ever started writing about love, I have no idea. This was supposed to be a journal about weight loss and change. It turned into so much more than that.

Will I continue to write this blog? I don’t know. For me it’s difficult because I’ve become very close to some of you. It’s how I communicate. But when I see some blogs come up on my reader, my heart beat freezes and a chill spreads throughout my body. That anticipatory anxiety is what gets to me the worst. It makes me irrational and feel out of control. If you’ve read me for very long, you know I like to be in control. Those of us with Anxiety and Panic Disorder and ADHD need to be in control. It’s a built in defense mechanism.

I hate that part of myself. The angry, crazy and jealous person I can be. I’ll step back for awhile. Type up my couple of chapters and the ending of my book. Then start filling in the rest of the story. The love story. A word of warning to you all. It won’t be pretty. But then some good love stories aren’t. Most aren’t. There’s anger, pain, jealousy, loss and a lot of hurt. My main character does not win the love of her life. But she does change his life for the better.

I don’t know where I’m going just yet. But I’ll let you know when I get there. Thanks so much for reading me.

102 thoughts on “Do I Want to Give This Blog Up?

  1. I have suffered anxiety and panic disorder (attacks were terrible – together with agoraphobia all lasted about a decade) so I understand the need to ‘control’…
    No suggestions; just thought I’d mention it, and also that ‘eventually’ I overcame.. Horrible time in my life, which I’m glad has passed… I wish the same for you…!

    • Oh honey I’ve learned it’s who I am. I’m on medication for it. It has changed my life. Saved my life. Had I not gotten good therapy and been medicated I probably would have killed myself. I’m glad you’ve got yours under control. It feels good to know that we have the power within our own bodies to make us better.

      I have a tendency to become obsessed, which is what I believe I’ve done with this page. I’m just not sure what to do yet. I’m at a crossroads. Not sure which direction to go yet. Thanks for your support honey. Take care.

    • I too had agoraphobia. I didn’t leave my house for a year. I swear I didn’t. Thanks God that I’ve overcome that part of it. Now I have fear but nothing like I used to.

  2. Ouch! This is sounding like quite the case of existential crisis. I for one would be very sad if you went, but I do have a suggestion as to how you could write that book and kee up this blog. Make your entries about your book, tell us the idea and share your progress. I’ve been doing that lately and I’ve found it’s an awesome way to stay motivated and make regular progress. The feedback along the way is also helpful for making revisions and finding new angles. And when it’s done, you take the chapters down (don’t want people who didn’t know you reading for free right?) and see you release the whole thing as an indie novel. Eh? How’s that sound? Please don’t go!

    • I’m not sure what to do yet. I just know I’m slowing down with my posts. Giving them more time to marinate. I’m tired Matt. Need to re-connect with my own world. I will be back. Just have to rest a bit.

  3. Would hate to see you go. But, as state previously, you first. There is a way to find balance between the “real” world and the “virtual” world. It appears we all suffer from some kind of disorder. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me–but it is only one of my activities amongst others. Balance is key–but, I do know it is easier said than done. My best to you. Bless you and warm wishes….

    • Marian my dear, I will message you soon. I won’t be gone for long. I just can’t post every day. I can’t put my heart out there and have it broken. I just have to re-connect with my real life too. Find my center. We’ll chat soon. And thank you for the compliment about my talent. As I said in the beginning of this post. I just want to be loved and understood.

  4. Don’t make this so important that you have to make a decision out of it! Just relax and let go. Write if you feel inclined or forget about it when you don’t. Lots of love.

  5. Perhaps taking a step back for a few days will help. I know that I often put myself under a ton of pressure sometimes when it comes to blogging, and that can certainly take a lot of the fun out of it! Though when I’m able to settle down about it, I can recognize it for it’s joys. Maybe even just making a decision to post less frequently would help.

    Whatever you decide, we support you, of course!! 🙂

    • Vikki I’m glad you’re here. I’ll come back. I’m just tired. I want to focus on something other than this virtual world. My heart is sad and I just need to heal it a bit. I’ll find a good story in this scattered brain of mine and I’ll post it. Just not every day.

      • A break sounds like a very good idea honey 🙂

        Good luck, and I’ll still be here when you get back.

        Xx

  6. You have to do what is best for you but remember even if you decide to step back from the blog you don’t have to lose contact with people, we will still be there via email or other means if you need us. I actually have days where I disconnect the internet so I can concentrate on writing blogging can get distracting not only wrting your own posts but keeping up with all those you enjoy reading, as you know I am just a tiny bit of an organisation freak and tried to timetable blogging vs writing but it is not easy when you know your inbox is full lol
    Do what you need to do for you xxxx

    • Thanks my dear Paula. I’ll come back to it, I’m sure. When a story hits me just right I’ll come back. I’m just tired and need a break. I do this to myself all the time. I run, run, run and then I collapse. You’d think I’d learn. I think the car accident I had a few weeks ago was divine intervention. Not sure if you’re a Christian, but it was God’s way of telling me to slow the hell down and pay attention. I’ll find that sweet spot and I’ll come back. I will.

      • I am not a christian but I do believe in fate and that sometimes we receive messages in the strangest ways and we should always listen to them

      • Amen my not Christian sister. I also believe in fate, serendipity, epiphanies, etc. Yes we do make choices, but sometimes, those choices are made for us. We just have to follow them.

    • My sweet we will just have to wait and see. I do have one more post to put up today, and then I think I’ll hang it up for awhile. If the mood strikes me to write something, I will. But my heart and mind need a rest. I’m tired Kyle.

  7. It’s all about you in the end.Giving up this blog doesn’t mean losing all the people you met in the process. Don’t be afraid of the consequences of life. I will always be here hon (and I know a lot of people will always be).

    Perhaps you are waiting for a sign. Maybe waiting for someone who will possibly stop you, but only you can know what makes you truly happy. Only you darling. Maybe taking a step back from this blog will help you feel the sadness or hurt less or maybe staying and writing here will help you cope. We have different ways making ourselves feel sane. Trust yourself. Know yourself. Love yourself. Make a decision for yourself and not for another,

    I wish that you find the happiness that your heart desires, with or without this blog. Whatever happens, I will always be here. (Even if you don’t want me around, I’ll stick by close)

    Love,
    Louise.

    PS: I wish I can hug you right now. I feel you..

    • Sweetheart my arms are around you right now. Can you feel me? I’m holding you close and whispering in your hair how much I love and care for you. You, I will always hold close to me. And yes I will come back to blogging. But my heart is sad and my body weary. This is my life. It is who I am. I am a writer. As raw and emotional as you can get, but I AM a writer.

      • Thank you very much. Always here for you too Renee. Always with you.

        Come back when you are ready. I will always be here waiting.

        Best wishes on your novel. 🙂

  8. I am a newer reader to you blog and have to tell you that you are an amazing writer. Keep working on yourself and your art and please share with the world when you are ready. Best of luck.

    • Thanks honey for following me. I won’t stay away long. Just need to rest some. I’m glad you’re here, and I’m so thankful for your compliment. You’ve no idea how much it means to me.

  9. please keep at it and why not try National Novel Writing Month. I am giving it a go, not sure if i’l manage but think it may help me kick my own butt into gear when it comes to writing what i really want 🙂 … and I did take a few months AWOL from blogging because I needed a bit of time … either way I’d love you to stay but understand if you have to go
    http://www.nanowrimo.org

  10. Renee, rather than to just quit, maybe taking a week away to make a broader assessment would be helpful. Or make a plan as to how often you will post – maybe once a week for a while – whether it’s an update or to share some of your work. Possibly a change in how you blog is all you need to free yourself up for other interests and family life, yet you can still enjoy your time here. I wish you well as you make your decision.

    • Maddie I think you read my mind. I think a once or twice a week post is ideal. I think my writing would be better and I know my psyche would be much better off too. I’m just tired girl. I need to regroup. Dammit I’m exhausted. 🙂

  11. Regardless of what you decide to do…reading your posts was a rich pleasure…didn’t matter if it fact, fiction, or somewhere in between, I loved it all…if you go you’ll be missed…if you stay, we’ll all be a little stronger.

    Be encouraged!

    • Stephen thank you so much. I’ll be back. Just need a break. I’m so glad you liked my posts. Your comments and likes have always made me feel so very good.

  12. I can certainly relate to the prioritization dilemma. Whatever you do, just know that we’re here (sporadically, anyway). Enjoy whatever time off you decide to take, and don’t take a minute less (or more) than you need 😉

    • Thanks Kip. I’ll come back. Right now the novel is what I have to focus on. The words are coming so fast right now it’s hard to get them on paper before I lose them again. I’m sure this mouthy, sparkly girl will be back at blogging soon. I’ll find a picture to inspire me and that will be it. Or something ridiculous in my life will happen and I’ll just have to share it. I’ll see you on the flip-side for sure my dear hippie friend.

  13. Gonna miss you Renee 😦
    Keep yourself safe and well,and good luck with your book ( I’m sure it won’t be shit 🙂 )

    Thanks for your posts, it has been funny / sad /serious/ hilarious reading them, and I’ve enjoyed every one 🙂
    I hope you get yourself sorted out soon and good luck with what ever you chose to do so long as you are happy.:-)
    See you soon hopefully, but only if and when you are ready to write.
    lots of love and many hugs my sparkly friend 🙂
    xxxx

    • Oh honey thanks for all the sweet words. I’ll be back I can’t stay away too long. You know this mouthy girl has a lot to say. I’m sure I’ll find something to write about soon. Much love to you. 🙂

    • t why do you find that word so funny???? I am discombobulated. And a ditzy blonde. Not a good combination to be at all.Giggle.

      • Say it out loud. Several times. Now fast. Now slow. Now turn it into a song. See? It’s one of those words that just makes your mouth happy to have hugged it for a bit.

      • I did exactly what you suggested and you’re absolutely right. It IS a fun word. But my love it is NOT a fun thing to be. Giggle, snort. DIS-COM-BOB-U-LATED. Bahahahaahahahaaha!

  14. It’s been said. Need more? No, I think not. Take some time for you…for your book, then come back. You’ve made too much of an impact to disappear. yes? yes! Do what’s best for Renee right now, rest, write, reflect, revel in your family, and return. that’s the ulimate r&r&r&r yeah? damn straight!

    • Yes my darlin’ it is. I will come back. But emotionally I’m exhausted. Got to take some time off and work on the book. It’s coming along. The words are flowing. They are.

      • Good. and if you know you need time to regain your emotional strength then do it! NO ONE knows what you need more than you! You know you’ve made friends here Renee, virtual or not, you KNOW the ones that are real. Lean on them if you need to, but don’t let them go. Best of luck sweetie, all the very best. And when the book is done, as I said before, I WANT IT! Okay? Okay!

  15. When you speak from that depth of feeling you will speak to a lot of people. This sounds like a cathartic process you have ahead of yourself. I wish you luck with it Renee. 🙂

    • My dear I’m working on myself every day. The darkness and the light. The sparkle is coming back but I’m tarnished. And the main character in my love story doesn’t fare well, but sometimes that happens. Take care Russ.

  16. Thank you for stopping by and liking my post! I can relate to you on many levels, but the anxiety and control issues are something I have to deal with on a daily basis. I have to be in control of everything, otherwise there is panic and chaos. It is tough to live with some days. I hope you find the courage and strength to carry on with your blog. You would be missed by a lot of people. Take some time and go at your pace. I learned that if I feel pressured I go crazy and I want to give up. If I do it at my own pace it is much more enjoyable. Have a wonderful day!
    Éva

    • Honey I won’t give it up. I like it here. I’m gaining so much support and knowledge. I have to remind myself to all the time to disconnect once in awhile and focus on real life. I always carry around a notepad and pen. Then if an idea hits me I can write it down. Eventually I will get back to the computer and wordpress and write out my thoughts and share them. I love the support here. I want to learn more. I want to be more. I want my words to make a difference. I hope someday they will. Thanks much for your comments and reading me.

      • It is my pleasure! I am glad that you will step back, but not step away for good. I found so much more support being on my blog than I could have ever imagined also. People are here to lift you up and encourage you. I never thought I would say that about blogging or social media in general, but it can be pretty powerful.
        Have a great night, sorry for the delayed reply as my weekends usually keep me away from my computer 🙂

      • No worries at all for the delay. We need to disconnect and reconnect with real life. It keeps our writing fresh and keeps in the real world. Take care my dear.

      • Thank you and I agree. We all need balance in our lives 🙂 Have a wonderful start to your week!
        Éva

    • Thanks my dear. I’m glad to see you’re still reading. I decided that this is my passion and just because I was sad for the moment didn’t mean I should give up something I love. So yep I’m still here. I like it here. I think I’ll stick around for a bit. 🙂

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