I Don’t Chase After Anyone Anymore

So this post has been kinda marinating in my brain for the last few weeks or so. I’ve struggled with it. Do I want to post it? Do I want to let it go? What should I do??? Today after talking to a dear friend I decided it was time to make a few remarks. First off, I’m a good person. Impulsive and a little crazy. But ultimately I’m good. Secondly, I know that in the last 20 months I’ve changed. Not physically, but mentally. I’ve developed an incredible passion for the written word too. It’s not just a “thing” that I do. It’s who I am.

I was talking to Super Therapist this week about an article in  the current issue of Reader’s Digest that I was reading while I waited for him to call me back for my appointment. The article was titled, Are You Normal or Nuts? I thought, why isn’t that an appropriate article to read while waiting to see my therapist? After reading it, I learned that those with anxiety disorder (I’ve had it for over 20 years) are compassionate. I had to agree. While being in the throes of daily panic attacks in my early 20’s I wished to die. They were horrible and I never thought I would get through them. Fortunately, I did. I’m 44 and by God’s good grace I’m still here. I have incredible empathy. I’m not saying I’m a fucking saint. I’m just saying I give a shit.

I also read that people with mild bi-polar disorder (yes, I have great mood swings) are more creative. They are the writers, the musicians, the dancers and the artists. Because of the incredible mood swings they feel more. Because they feel more they are creative and make those that they create for, well, feel. I’ve never been diagnosed  with even mild bi-polar disorder, but Super Therapist did agree that I do have mood swings. I am passionate and creative. He says that’s how I’m made and who I am.

I’ve lost a couple of good friends that I thought would be a part of my life forever. Because I’ve “changed”. I didn’t though. I evolved. Became who I was supposed to be. I was just hidden under fat. I’m very proud of myself. I won’t go chasing after anyone anymore. I care for those that aren’t in my life, but I can’t go back. I won’t. I know that I’m good. I make no apologies.

49 thoughts on “I Don’t Chase After Anyone Anymore

  1. Thinks of you as the racing car driver and those who support you as your crew at the pit stop. Associate only with those that benefit you, but eliminate the toxic people from your life. Remember that all relationships should be like a trade, both sides bring something to the table of benefit to the other, and both leave the table a winner. If one side has nothing to offer at the table, or one side is a loser, then the relationship is toxic, and should be eliminated.

    • I agree completely. While I think that part of the destruction of the relationships were of my doing, I don’t believe I was completely at fault. I know that I can be difficult, but my heart was made for compassion and love. I grieve for the loss, but know that I must move on. Thank you for your comments.

  2. Your 3rd para could be written about me. I’ve never been diagnosed (because i’ve never gone for any kind of therapy) but i do get ridiculous mood swings, have very little control over them, and I write constantly. Part of the reason i have never gone for therapy is that i don’t want to be given any drugs to regulate me and maybe lose my creative edge. I know i have my issues but i also know that they are part of the whole package.

    • Honey I have OCD, anxiety and panic disorder, ADHD and mild bi-polar. Oh and throw in some depression and I’m quite the package. I’m medicated for anxiety and panic disorder. That’s it. It has not diminished who I am. How I write. Or any other part of my personality. Actually it has made me kind of an adrenaline junkie. You don’t have to be medicated my dear RG. You don’t. But to find a therapist to help you sort out your shit helps tremendously. I’m impulsive too. Believe me, being medicated for anxiety has not dulled my creativity. It has only heightened it. If you want to chat more about this you can always email me at shygirl4429@yahoo.com. I’m glad to share my experiences with you my dear friend. mwah.

      • thank you for this. Blogging is my therapy, i use it as a way of working out what i feel and why, and meeting other bloggers also helps. Plus i think a hell of a lot to try to make sense of it all. I’m not sure i will ever go for therapy as i am luckly enough to be able to carry on through life. but it would be nice to know what conditions i have,if any.

      • I don’t think of them as “conditions”. I think of them as part of my personality. Writing helps me tremendously. Staying sober helps me too. My impulsiveness is way out of control when I drink. Some people can handle me. Others can’t. There’s a quote that I love to share that says, It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.

        As long as you like yourself and you aren’t asshole, you’ve won half the battle my love.

  3. Very revealing indeed and can understand your query ‘to post or not to post…’ but better out than in and believe me that even though I only know you in the virtual world, I would cherish your friendship with all the blemishes that might come along w that in da real world outside there. Big kisses and hugs…

    • Thank you my sweet friend for every word. I do cherish your friendship, though it is virtual. I’ve been told that you can’t love or care for someone over the internet. I think that’s bullshit. We are friends here. I do agree that if we knew each other IRL we would be friends. Good friends. I’m so happy I’ve found you and my other followers. I’m not saying I haven’t been preyed upon. I have. I’ve learned how naive I truly am. But I do believe you are one of the good ones. I treasure your friendship immensely. Hugs and kisses back at ya.

      • Love the blogger community that u find, oh yes some can be wankers but most are good people and one of my goals for next year is to do a blog tour to the states and Winnipeg to meet some of the ones I talk to a lot. Not that many since most people do want to be anonymous behind the computer which is understandable. But this is something I so want to do… Anyway bedtime for me now.. Yawn.

      • Bloody hellfire. Just looked on the map where u are. You live middle of nowhere don’t ya🙂 but quite perfectly situated for my Canadian/US tour since its on that part of the states I’m planning on going. Winnipeg, your place (what does your city name mean really), nyc and Miami. Looks ok itinerary actually… Now start saving the money for it, yikes🙂

      • My dear I live not far from Detroit, MI. The closest largest city is Ann Arbor, MI. I live in Tecumseh, MI but I would never want anyone to visit here. It’s a sleepy little town and was good to raise my children in but I’m so ready to get back to a big city. In a few years I will be back in Ann Arbor. But I’m doing my best to be content in a small town for now. I’d come meet you in the middle somewhere. This crazy girl loves a road trip.🙂 If you ever do get this way let me know. I’d love to meet you! mwah

  4. “Its kinda cool looking back and realizing how much things have changed and then it hits you how many people left when they said they would always be there for you…”

    Sad but also…
    As unfortunate as it may seem right now…perhaps they were just meant to be in THAT part of your life… not the REST of it…

    xox

    • Yes my dear Steph I do believe you are right. I know that I am partly at fault for the falling away. But I will not shoulder all of the blame. I still believe that I am good. That I’m a caring person. My eccentricities make me, me. I’m glad you came back into my life. I’m glad I’ve found so many others too. I am truly, truly blessed. I love you.

  5. Anxiety and depression here…and it definitely causes problems for “friends” who don’t understand me and don’t accept my very passionate, often dramatic moods as part of who I am. My blog is “professional” but I long to write as candidly and honest as you do.

    • Thank you for your comments my sweet. I think that’s why we write, don’t you? Because we feel so much more than quote normal people do. I would rather feel too much than nothing at all. Here I know I’m normal. Or as normal as I want to be. Giggle.

      And honey, can write anything you want. Try it sometime. You will not believe the freedom you feel after the first time you do it. I NEVER thought I’d post erotica on my page and yet I do. I’m proud of every word. Fuck ’em if they don’t like it. Hahahahahahahaha!

  6. It can’t be helped Renee. When you take a journey, you naturally leave people behind. And you cannot go after them because that place is old news. I’m interested when you say you’ve been ‘preyed upon’. What does THAT mean? Sounds horrible.

    • I’m not going back my dear. Moving forward and honing my craft. Never thought I’d say that about the written word, but I guess it’s true. It is my craft. My life. I’m glad you’re here. And thank you for your comment.

      Sweetheart I will private message you about it. As my darling Rincewind Erotixx said in his comment. There are wankers out here in the blogosphere.

  7. You are a wonderful person who has nothing to apologise for, it is sad when people lwe think of as friends leave our lives because they do not appreciate the changes we have made but it is also their loss,

    • Thank you Paula. I think you’re pretty wonderful too. I think I wrote this piece so I could let go. I make no apologies for who I am. For the passion that I’ve found. For the fact that I’m trying my best to hone it.I’m so thankful for finding so many of those that understand how I feel. I love this community. And you. I hope you are healing well.

  8. My first question and only question…what is wrong with mood swings? I think that is what life is all about is to really really feel about what is going on around you. To be involved in caring and seeing what the boring and the uninterested doesn’t see or what they will never feel.

  9. I relate to this on so many counts. I’m a very moody, sensitive person with compassion that sometimes weighs me down. I too lost two friends that with never be replaced and once I walk, I never come back. You use the term change, I prefer growth. It takes strength to walk away from anything whether it’s a relationship that no longer serves us or a whole pie. I used to stuff my feelings with food all the time. Sugar seemed to assuage the pain for a fast second. You are extremely creative and that creativity’s birth was sired from 44 years of pain and survival. Beautifully put Renee and you represented all of us who feel perhaps a bit too much.

    • Thanks for your kind comments and understanding Susannah. How did I know you would relate to the post? It’s sad that I’ve lost friends because of my growth. Because of this new passion. I’m not willing to change or shut them off to make others like me. There are too many good, positive and loving people that love me. I’m me. I’m proud of me. We are beautiful people. And we feel Susannah. I think that’s a great thing!

  10. Pingback: Keep Calm and Carry On??? No Fucking Thanks!!! | Rendezvous With Renee

  11. Finale. Encore–It is the nature of life and relationships to end. Losing a good relationship is like having someone you love die. Years may pass, but we carry on with the pain of the longing.. but WE LIVE. We are bound to so many relationships and people. We shouldn’t dig a hole, put our heads in and bury it just for losing one. You have Roger and your beautiful daughter and son (soon you will be a hot grandma!). You have Us. You have incredible people surrounding you. You shouldn’t lose yourself just from losing one. It is a tragedy if it happens.

    No matter how superficial that lost relationship is, I hope you treasure it. I sense a lot of anger and sense of disgust towards it in your past articles. I know it can’t be helped, but I do believe we have to appreciate those instances in our lives that has put us here, to where and who we are at the moment. We have to admit that it has made better versions of ourselves.

    I am not the kind of woman who dwells on past relationships but I do believe that we can never completely shut “another” from ourselves. Relationships end and it also begins anew. I am not saying that we have to chase whoever and start all over again. Start fresh. Don’t let your feelings get the best of you. We can’t carry our bags with clutter of regret, anger, hatred and object of memories up high that mountain of peace. Care-free. Care less. Let it be.

    Love you Nee.

    PS. PM you soon! Miss talking to you!

    Louise

    • On your lost relationships: Losing is the ultimate form of having: Something is not truly there until it is not there anymore, for what is there must eventually go away, and you must someday meet what is in the future, but what was will forever remain in the past, immortal and irrevocable.

      You will always have those lost relationships. That is immortal.

    • My darling young woman, you always know how to make me feel better. Your wisdom at such a young age astounds me. I will let things lie. I will move on. In my heart and mind I will keep my good memories. The sad ones too.

      Message me soon. I miss you dear one. I hope life is good for you.

  12. Great post Renee, I can’t really add anymore to what has already been said, except your are who / what you are.
    We are continually evolving as people, growing , changing our lives, our attitudes and interests, expanding our horizons, just living.
    As we do this, some of our friends will grow and change with us, some won’t.
    Life is too short to worry about the ones that won’t continue the journey with you. sadly this might mean losing some very dear friends, but they will find other like minded souls and slowly those friendships will fade from memory as the new ones take over.

    With regards to your various aliments😉 some of what you say describes my Mum’s sometimes erratic ( when she was younger ) way of looking at and doing things.
    I wonder??? She never said anything except she had an overactive thyroid.

    You just carry on doing what you are doing, it seems pretty good to me🙂
    Hope you’re not working too hard.. how many days now??
    take care sparkly
    love n hugs xxx

    • Thanks for your kind comment Seadog. You always lift me up. Make me feel I’m quite normal in my abnormalities. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be what and who I am. I’m sorry that I’ve lost friends along the way. But it can’t be helped sometimes. I’m thankful for those that are still with me. And all of the new ones that come along on this crazy journey of mine.

      As for the days till the wedding, there are 35. That’s what you were referring to, right? There’s much to do and so much to be joyful about. I’m glad you’re here.

      Love and hugs back at ya from a sparkly girl that will continue to shine!

      xoxoxoxo

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