Friday Fictioneers-Charred Remains

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Copyright-David Stewart

Thank you Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for the prompt this week. I decided to try something completely different. I hope you like it. Remember, kudos and criticisms are very welcome. Be tough if you need to. Have a great weekend.

They gazed upon the sculpture. Cast in bronze, a drowning man groping for purchase. It reminded them of their life.  And wasted love. Rain, from drizzle to downpour. It soured their already foul moods.

Dammit, I hate this weather. I’m cold and miserable.

You’re a miserable bitch. Doesn’t matter if it’s raining or not.

Fuck y–

Their argument was cut short. At that moment, air raid sirens wailed. Planes flew overhead. Bombs hit their marks. Life was destroyed. Love killed too. Buildings toppled. Cars exploded. Fires spread. The rain that descended couldn’t even begin to wash away the charred remains.

72 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers-Charred Remains

  1. Pingback: Very Inspiring Blogger Award | Ajaytao 2010

  2. As someone has said, explosive!🙂

    I love the action in the last paragraph.

    One suggestion, if I may: I would remove the line ‘Little did they know, they would die where they stood.’
    In my opinion, in this case it sort of kills the possible suspense. Just my own view.

  3. Dear Renee,
    Actually I concur with Abraham. “Little did they know,” not only gives the story away but also is somewhat of a cliche. Aside from that…well written and thought provoking. It makes one stop and pause. What would you want your last words to be? At the very least, neither of them will live to regret their harsh words.
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

    • Dear Rochelle,
      I’ll see what I can do to change the wording a bit. I agree with you and Abraham. It does give the story away. Hmmm. Wonder what I’ll come up with?

      Fondly, Renee

  4. Renee, trying new types of writing is good exercise and you acquitted yourself very well. I have two suggestions, other than what Abraham and Rochelle mentioned.

    One, a more distinct break between intro and story would be nice. Maybe you could put the title in again.

    Secondly, this line, “They gazed upon the sculpture, cast in bronze. Of a drowning man groping for purchase” I think would flow better if you said, “cast in bronze, of a drowning….” The way it’s written, the second sentence just doesn’t sound right by itself. The next two sentences work decently separately, although I might also say, “of their lives (since there are two of them), their wasted love.” Just my editor grammar nazi side coming out.🙂

    Have a lovely day,

    janet

  5. The picture made me think of Hiroshima just after the bomb went off, of people stretching to get away from the light in the sky,of fear and desparation and of those people melting in to the pavement from the heat.
    Sadly the rain brought no relief for the survivors either, as it came down black, contaminated with radiation.

    Why we should both think of bombs i just don’t know.
    I think it’s a very powerful story Renee, well done Sparkly🙂
    xxx

    • I don’t know why we think of bombs either. It’s what I saw though. When I viewed the photo for the first time, I saw fire, bombs, people running and scream. I saw disintegration of live and love. I’m happy you liked it my sweet.🙂

      Love, Renee

  6. Holy Cats! That was a surprise ending to end all surprise endings.

    The funny think… when I first saw this photo, I thought it might be in Hiroshima… I can see where you are coming from, Renee… you did it well.

    • Thanks Ted. I’ve actually had a shitty week. For some reason, when I first glanced the photo I thought of bombs. The story blossomed from there. I hope you liked it.

      Love, Renee

  7. There is a tradition of writing in the Czech Republic and Romania that fits this style/genre. I do like the relative absurditism – how little the argument is compared to the bombs..and the rain…

    • I thank you for letting me know that. It really is absurd isn’t it? The smallness of the argument compared to death and destruction. It proves how small our silly lives and arguments are.

      Love, Renee

    • I thank you for the comment my dear sir. It proves how really small our silly little arguments and lives are. We can be wiped out in an instant. In an instant.

      Love, Renee

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