Friday Fictioneers-Descent

copyright-David Stewartcopyright-David Stewart

You know it’s over, don’t you?

Is there nothing I can do to change your mind?

Unfortunately, not.

Are you scared?

Petrified, but determined.

How will you live?

Not sure, but I will make my way.

I will miss you Amy.

I’ll miss you too, but I have to go.

Jason scooches to the edge of the scaffold. As he leaps, Amy feels peace. Upon his descent, his face shows terror and then resolve. Her demeanor never changes. The first responders look at her and know there is no reason to fear, she’s not going anywhere but home.

98 words/Genre: Hell, I don’t know, but damn sad.

Thank you Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for hosting Friday Fictioneers. Criticisms and kudos are most welcome. Bring it on my loves, bring it on.

28 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers-Descent

  1. Methinks you need a Parental Advisory sticker or something on this one, darling. Something like: Do not combine with the music of Leonard Cohen. After reading, please watch some Bugs Bunny. Do not mix with alcohol and sharp objects.
    Well written, to be sure.

    • Think I better take your advice on that one Helena. As for the Bugs Bunny remark, I have a funny story. Whenever I was scared as a child, my sister would tell me funny stories while using a Bugs Bunny voice. Her silliness usually made me feel better.🙂

    • Dear Rochelle,

      Did you really like it? I don’t think she didn’t care for him. I think she was just spent. It was time for her to move on, because she couldn’t care for him the way he wanted her to. It was exhausting her. She had no intention of jumping, except metaphorically. She didn’t push him, but didn’t try to save him either. Amy was finished. Just plain old finished. I think this story needs to be longer….

      Always, Renee

      • Dear Renee,

        In all honesty, this wasn’t my favorite of your writing but I do think, with some work, it can be electrifying. Perhaps it needs to be longer or perhaps shortening the dialogue would help. It kind of rambles. You might take the words you save by tightening the dialogue and clue the reader into her feelings or lack thereof. I could tell she didn’t care but never caught a sense of why.

        Shalom,

        Rochelle

      • Dear Rochelle,

        I’ll take your advice and re-work it. I think it deserves a longer telling. There’s a sad story there, I’m sure.

        Always,

        Renee

  2. Someone’s got to write the sad stories, Renee… and if you write them this well, then please write more. This was chilling in its aloofness, and I think it was that quality that made it so disturbing.

  3. Noting all the comments, Renee, I think the present version works perfectly — it is subtle and elusive, but tells a complete story. Not that a longer version would be undesirable, but be careful of overkill. For me, this was hands down the most intriguing story of the week.

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