R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Dostoevsky

“Mom, why do you drink?”

It’s none of your business. I leave the reasons why I drink at the AA meeting table.

“I guess it’s between you and Dad then.”

“Nope, it’s none of your Dad’s business either,” I stated. “Sometimes I don’t need to explain shit to you. I just want to get better.”

“Okay Mom!”

“Is there any way we can repair our relationship?”

“Don’t know.”

As my tears spill, I tell him, “I don’t want to be your peer, I want to be your mother.”

“That’s all I ever wanted you to be,” he says in reply.

My Adam Boy, the one that I thought understood me the most, never did at all. I created the divide between us, but so did he. I am not going to shoulder all of the blame anymore. The burden is far too heavy for me to carry on my own.

There is such thing as respect for your elders. While I was teaching the kids to do so with other adults, I forgot to include me in the lesson.  I thought they respected me, even when I was being a nonsensical drunk. Should I have put a boot in their ass more often? Maybe. Maybe not. Should their father have demanded that they respect me more? Maybe. Maybe not.

They think the world of Roger Darling. Me, they liken to a cartoon character that gave birth to them. I’m a weirdo.

I can’t go back and change a thing. All I can do is move ahead, and ask that they think more of me. That what they say and do to me can hurt.  I am their mother. I’m also their elder. I’m not a peer and I’m not supposed to be. Someday, I will be the grandmother to their children. I will be the wise old sage that will tell their children what not to do. I hope that their children will come to me for comfort when Mom and Dad’s rules are too much for them. Because I will be sure to teach them  to give their parents the respect they deserve. We live and learn, and we share our lessons with the next generation. At least, that’s what we’re supposed to do.

A few years ago, after having dinner with my mother, cousin and daughter, I got a phone call.

“My darling daughter  I love you,”  my mother stated in her most serious tone.

“I love you too Mommy, but I just saw you like, two hours ago,”  I giggled.

“After the argument you and Meg had at dinner, I just wanted you to know that someone liked you, that I like you.”

“Mom, I’m okay, or rather, I will be.”

During our phone call my thoughts returned to the conversation during dinner. My 18 year old daughter knew everything about college while I knew nothing. My mother gazed at me as my brow furrowed and smile faltered. Mom and my cousin continued the conversation, while I sat mute and tried not to cry. It wasn’t about the subject matter, it was the tone with which I was spoken to that made me clam up. My heart broke, and I was done.

I don’t write this post to demand respect of Meggie and Adam Boy. More so to learn to respect myself in these early days of sobriety. The respect from them will come in the passage of time. As they see me heal, they’ll heal too.

Teach your children the meaning of love, honor and respect. Don’t forget that these three principles are a two-way street.

To love, honor and respect ourselves, is to teach our children how to love, honor and respect others.

Love and kisses,

Plain old Renee

(And I’m just fine with that!)

22 thoughts on “R-E-S-P-E-C-T

    • Thanks Tracy. Roger and I tell each other that all the time. We laugh and say at least they are almost done with college, they aren’t in jail, they didn’t get pregnant, and they are pretty decent human beings.

      I love them more than my own breath. More than the beat of my heart. If I had to choose between their life or mine, I would die so they could live. I want them to know that. In time they will.

      Love you!!!

  1. You were vulnerable without being self-pitying, and I think that’s what made this a great post. Some pretty great prose in the telling of the story, too. Not just a ‘he said, she said’ type thing. Nice job.

    • Dear Ken,

      There is no need for self-pity anymore. I need to get past that. I’m not looking for a pat on the back either. I’m just looking to share my story and start the healing process. My son and husband were kind of angry at me last night because I didn’t ask permission to post the conversations that I wrote about. Thing is, this is MY blog and my story. Not theirs. I did nothing to disparage any one of my family members. I shouldered the blame. I will not edit the post or censor myself.

      I appreciate your kind words. I will NEVER smear my family. Ever. I love them all so very much.

      Love, Renee

  2. I treatv my daughter like a peer becuse she is one. They are adults in the making. My daughter doesn’t dare do anything she is not told. I am her peer, one of her best friends, and her mother. There is never a question about who is who and what the realationship is. They do grow up to be peer adults and in ability too.

    • I’m happy for you my dear, but I’ve ruined my relationships with my family because of my addiction. I need to respect myself before respect is given back to me by my children. It will come in time. I know it will. I have to heal myself and then they will heal. All will be well in time……

      • They should be grateful that addiction did not go into more seriosu mental health deseases. Addictions once recognized and stopped by the individual, I believe you have great strength to stop before it takes over your mental health. Any that accomplish that deserves recogonition for it. Addiction in itself must be cured. That seems to me the toughest thing to do. My smoking is nothing here. So here you can tell them you have given them what is imprtant to yourself back. Your mental health. That goes bad, it all goes bad.

    • My darling Kayla,

      Thank you for the hugs and the kudos…Your sweet comments always bring a tear or two to my eyes….One hug from you is more like a thousand…No one will ever understand how much I love you, but I really don’t care. xoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxo!!!!

      Love, Renee

  3. I’m pretty sure you know what I would say anyway, and I’m pretty sure you know that I would mean every word. Continue to grow sis, continue to be the best you that you can possibly be, and all the rest will follow – OK?
    There, now see what you made me do? You went ahead and made me say the things that I was pretty sure you knew that I was gonna say any way! Stop doing that!

    • My Troy,

      I wasn’t trying to fish for kind words from you my dear brother. It’s just been awhile since I’ve bled a good journal entry, so that’s why I wrote what I did. If you never posted another comment on my blog, I would still know how you felt about me. I promise to continue to heal and become a better person. I love you.

      Your Nae

  4. Lovely way you have written this, there is no self pity or blame just how you felt at the time, and as with all things time does heal and trust does return.
    Alistair x

    • Thank you my dear. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to blame anyone. There is no reason for either. I just want to move one. Ya know? Glad you picked up on that. Every day gets better.

      Hope life is treating you well.

      Xoxoxoxoxxoxox

      Love, Renee

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