It Happens When You Least Expect It

Loneliness happens when you least expect it. While shopping for groceries on a weeknight. You see them, the couples, deciding what to make for dinner. The fathers, shopping with their young children. Giving the stay-at-home mom a break. Dad’s put in a full day, but he knows that his wife’s work is never done.

You peruse the produce section and grab a couple of naval oranges from California. And a fresh bouquet of flowers to display in your one bedroom apartment. It reminds you of the verse about buying your own flowers; decorating your own heart. Or something like that….

After grabbing a fresh bag of salad, you look for a good steak. You can buy what you want, because you live on your own. You’ve instantly lost your appetite though. Throwing the prepackaged meat back on the shelf, you take to wandering aimlessly up and down each aisle.

You get the rest of your items and walk down the liquor aisle. The variety is overwhelming and you pray for strength. It’s been 150 days without a drop of alcohol, but this night your will is weak. Screwing up every ounce of courage, you leave the booze behind. You don’t need it. The tears will come whether you drink or not.

You see a young mother chasing down her child and you smile. You remember being that woman, a lifetime ago. You wish you could tell her to enjoy every minute of it. But your reverie is broken by the child running into an Indian man that has his arms full of food items. He and the young mother laugh and the little one squeals with delight.

Once home, the tears trail down your cheeks. The pain of loneliness is so intense, you sob until your throat is raw. The whole time you bawl, you’re throwing groceries into your fridge and cupboards. The cat is freaked out by the noises you emit and runs away. Then you throw a tantrum about the cat not even giving a fuck about you.

You kneel beside your bed and you pray one simple word, ‘please’.

As the tears and sobbing subside, you fall into a troubled sleep. Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

41 thoughts on “It Happens When You Least Expect It

  1. This post brings back memories, there are times I have felt alone. They are overshadowed when I remember a time I felt alone and was with someone. A time when I couldn’t be who I am, the real me; when I had to hide myself away.
    Now I bask in the sunlight!

  2. I am awarding you the Blog of the Year Award 2013 as an expression of my gratitude for following “The Journal of Wall Grimm” blog. You can see the post here: http://wp.me/p41c99-hx If you don’t accept awards, that’s no problem at all. Awarding you is my way to thank you and it is of no insult to me if you decline.

  3. Wow..this hit close to home…and the worst kind of loneliness is what one can feel when being with others who don’t get you..Beautiful and poignant Renee..

    • Thank you Mimi. It’s been awhile since I’ve written such powerful words. I wrote like Hemingway, I bled all over my keyboard….. I’ve felt that loneliness in a roomful of people. I won’t go there again. Not if I can help it.

      Love, Renee

    • Thank you Helena. I haven’t written this well in a very long time. I felt that way on Tuesday night. I think I write the best when I’m in pain. So glad you liked it.

      Love, Renee

  4. I’m married now and for 34 years been with my best friend. Just the other day, I was praying to my Lord God to please help me, give me strength and find me another friend besides my husband. Should he predecease me, I wouldn’t know what to do! I don’t want to be lonely. As I age, those thoughts of loneliness grow stronger. When they come, I cry out to God because I don’t like the feeling neither do I want to experience it.

    I pray and pray. And then Father God answers: “You’ve a relationship with Me, one that you will never be alone in; for I will never leave nor forsake you.” I shudder because my carnal man battles with my spiritual man for disbelief. I call on the name “Jesus!” Fear goes away and great peace enters into my spirit man. I’m good! I trust you Jesus!

    The above inner conversation is what I rehearse from time to time in order that those feelings of feeling lonely (or fear of being alone) won’t overtake me. This is how I cope.

    Thank you for sharing your keeping it real essay.

  5. We are social beasts, we need contact with others, mental and physical. If not, then we become enveloped within the shadow of our own dark thoughts. The person in question I feel, needs someone to give her/his life “meaning”

    I enjoyed reading this post.
    Kenny 🙂

    PS. Don’t remember how I arrived here. But pleased to meet you anyway 🙂

    • I’m so glad you’re here. We ARE very social beasts. I am an extrovert with a capital E. I need touch and human contact.

      Thank you for your kind comments. Happy Holidays and welcome.

      Love, Renee

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