Friday Fictioneers-Peace and Fireflies

copyright-erin-leary-2

Dawn was Dylan’s hangover, for she treasured the dark. In the mornings, she missed the crackling of embers from a bonfire, sparklers lit just for fun, and the catching of fireflies in a Mason jar.

In her country home, she’d finally found peace. With that realization you’d think she’d found a love to share it with. Instead, she’d found it in her grandchildren, the scent of fresh brewed coffee, and wildflowers growing in her side yard.

Coffee in hand, Dylan sat on the back porch step. Morning washed over her, while she unscrewed the lid and let the fireflies go.

100 Words/Genre: I have NO idea

Thank you  Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for hosting Friday Fictioneers. It is an honor and a privilege to have Ms. Rochelle critique my work. Please be sure to go to her page and read their stories too. We are a rather eclectic group and the genres run the gamut.

I welcome kudos and criticism. Seriously, rip it up if you want.

 

34 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers-Peace and Fireflies

    • I’m more of a city girl, but who knows what the future could bring? I might end up there someday if it can be as nice as the story I wrote.🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Love,
      Renee

    • I believe you’re right. I’m a city girl and I’m not sure how I’d be able to handle country life. With my grand children, I do believe I could though.

      Love,
      Renee

    • Thanks so much my dear. I don’t recall really seeing fireflies till I was all grown up. I remember driving past wheat fields and seeing them light up like Christmas.

      Love,
      Renee

  1. Dear Renee,

    This takes me back to summer evenings as a child. There were a lot of us kids on the block. Catching fireflies in a jar with holes on the lid is one of my fondest memories.

    Nicely written, although I found the first line a little confusing. Perhaps “dawn” as opposed to daylight? It would give more of that early morning sense. Of course it’s only a suggestion and my rambling. All in all it’s a good story and I fell in love with Dylan. She seems to be a woman who knows who she is and what she wants.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    • Dear Rochelle,

      I remember those nights too. No matter if you called them fireflies or lightning bugs, it was so much fun to watch them light up in a jar.

      I’ll take yours and Doug’s suggestions and make the necessary edits to my story. I think I was trying to convey that Dylan preferred the night to day. That there was magic in the darkness. The daylight left her hungover from the elation of the activities from the night before.

      I love Dylan also. I might have to write more about her.

      As always, I thank you for your criticism and kind words. You make me a better writer. xoxoxoxo

      Love,
      Renee

      • Sweetheart, I don’t think I’m a book writer. Maybe short stories are my forte. The thought of writing a book scares me.🙂

        You are an inspiration to me.

        Love,
        Renee

  2. Hot summer nights trying unsuccessfully not to fall asleep in our sleeping bags. Grandpa would let fireflies loose in the tent ( we called them lightning bugs ). Camping in the safety of his backyard we were in heaven. Your story stirs beautiful memories. Thank-you.

    • Hi Sweetie,

      I’m from Michigan and we call them lightning bugs too. Thank you for sharing your memory with me. Grandpa sounds like he was a special guy. So glad I could make you remember some good memories.

      Love,
      Renee

    • Dear Sarah,

      So glad you loved it dear. Sounds idyllic doesn’t it? I was never one for living in the country. But as I get older, I really think I could.

      Love,
      Renee

    • Dear Amy,

      Thank you. It was quite magical to write. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. I was at a party in the country last night. We had a huge bonfire. It felt like home to me. It most certainly did.

      Love,
      Renee

  3. Ok, don’t take this the wrong way (and please bear with me) but this… this didn’t go anywhere, did it? And do you know what… I LOVED it for that. So often we try to cram as much as we can into these 100 words. Twists, and turns and details and murder and death and… well yeah.

    This was so relaxing to read, thanks for sharing.

    • Dear Mr. Binks,

      I didn’t take your comment the wrong way at all. I like that didn’t go anywhere. It means I can come back to it and add more. If I want to. Giggle.

      Thanks for the compliment. It means a lot to me.

      Love,
      Renee

  4. Dear Renee,

    I enjoyed your story and want to offer something to you for your consideration. I thought the last line of your story was wonderful, so much so that the following rearrangement of the last sentence in your first paragraph might help emphasize the connection between the two and add to the impact. ‘In the mornings, she missed the crackling of embers from a bonfire, sparklers lit just for fun and the catching of fireflies in a Mason jar.’ I might be telling you to kill your darlings here and if so, forgive me. The way you have it now is too disjointed and detracts from the power of the imagery. I have it on good authority that you are the kind of writer that can take input in stride and not shoot the messenger so I’m not ducking. Very good story on several levels.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    • Aloha Doug,

      Thank you for the kind words and the critique. I assure you I will make the necessary changes to give the story a better flow. I think the fireflies signify peace and freedom. Therefore, we need to make to make that sentence ‘pop’ for the reader.

      I take criticism very well, because I want to hone my craft. I believe I was born to do this. Any assistance you give me is sincerely appreciated. Even if you told me my story was shit, I wouldn’t take it to heart. I’d just work harder to make the words sing.

      Love, hugs and sincere appreciation for your help,
      Renee

  5. Dear Renee, I think your story is so sweet and comforting – like a sweater on a cool evening. The fireflies in the jar was so much fun as a child! Very good memories coming into my head and thank you for them! Nan🙂

    • Dear Nan,

      I’m so glad you enjoyed the story and evoked good memories for you. I’ve been hearing that from other readers/writers as well. Thank you for your kind comment.

      Love,
      Renee

  6. Renee, I liked your story. It was lovely. I wanted to add though that it’s fine to live way out in the country as long as you can drive. When my dad got into his 80’s he was scared he’d have to sell his home because he wouldn’t be able to drive and my mother never learned. If a person is wealthy, they can hire a driver, no problem. Otherwise, you want public transport for those later years or someone who can give you a lift. Well done.🙂 —Susan

    • Thank you so much my dear. I liked your story about your parents. You are very right. It’s good to be able to drive. Most of us are not wealthy enough to have drivers. I hope your father and mother were able to keep their home, even when they got older.

      Love,
      Renee

  7. Renee, I was just about to close the InLinkz link, as I’m getting ready to go out of town for the next two days and won’t get any more stories read, but I saw yours was there and didn’t want to miss it. I’m so happy I didn’t.

    I see that you have already done editing and although I don’t know exactly how the story presented itself before that, it’s beautiful now. I remember catching fireflies in my hands or in a jar and still love to see them light up the dusk. The story conveys that sense of peace that I get when on vacation in Wyoming or on lovely days when I sit or walk outside and just relax. I hope you’re finding some of that in your life right now. I know you’re certainly not rushing around too much.🙂

    Blessings,

    janet

    • Dear Janet,

      I hope you’re going on vacation and that you have a great time. I’m honored you read my story before closing up that laptop! I always have to read your stories too.

      The only edit I made was the order with which Dylan enjoyed the events from the night before. Doug thought it better that final one be the fireflies. I agree. It helped that last sentence ‘pop’.

      Like you, many other writers are sharing with me their memories from when they were young. I think my favorite one was the grandfather that used to free fireflies in a tent in the backyard while so his grand kids weren’t scared of the dark.

      Not rushing around at all. Kicking butt in rehab though. 21 more days till I can bear weight and hopefully walk again.

      Love,
      Renee

  8. Ok. THIS is great writing. The subtly of the piece matched its fragility, seen in the release. THIS is you at your best. Numbed, I am. I know its a lot of ‘she’s’ but maybe the last ‘Dylan’ could be a ‘she’ instead.

    Really great writing.

    • Oh honey, thank you so much for your kind comments. I think I want to rewrite this story. Elaborate more on Dylan. I will be sure to change the last ‘name’ to a she. Think it will flow better.

      Love,
      Renee

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