Sliding Glass Window Oberservations From A Grenade

Yesterday I watched from my sliding glass window, five young men wearing the same color suit. Four of them wore ties folded in Windsor knots. One of them wore a slick bow tie. There was a sixth man. A photographer wearing khakis, took candid shots of them as they changed from gym to dress shoes, straightened each others ties and goofed off, like young men do. My guess was, they were the groom and attendants for a wedding. Or maybe they were an a cappella group. Who knows?

My apartment complex is set back in a wooded area, so the photographer took them behind the building to get more shots. They left their gym shoes and back packs resting on the hoods of their vehicles. Their doors were left wide open. When they returned, they grabbed all their crap and jammed themselves into their vehicles. They and the khaki panted photographer headed off to parts unknown. I was excited to observe them as they smile radiantly and wore the same color suits. Four of them with ties folded in Windsor knots. The other, maybe the groom, wearing a slick bow tie.

Often, my observational posts begin on my personal Facebook page. An idea hits me and I have to write it down. I’m sure it drives many of my friends crazy because my posts can get a little lengthy. Whatever, then take me out of your news feed! On second thought, please don’t, because I want you to read my observations. Looking at my window is about the only place I can draw inspiration right now.  I’ve kinda been stuck in my apartment for 70 days.

My focus waned and I didn’t write much more till I arrived home from My Trivia last night. At 1:00 a.m I began writing a lengthy email to a friend, when the following quote popped into my Sparkly little head:

 I wanted to know that he would be okay if I did. I wanted to not be a grenade, to not be a malevolent force in the lives of the people I loved.–John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I wrote to my friend, I am a goddamn grenade.

I realized that in my married life and when I was raising my kids, I was a grenade. I was a malevolent force that ruined everything in my path. I was an F5 tornado or category 5 hurricane. And I was hell bent on self destructing. The self destruction included being a horrible drunk, a slow suicide with food and conversing with men that I had no business talking to.

I don’t want to be a grenade, anymore.

My ultimate goal is to try to find peace within my stormy, passionate and romantic heart. My ultimate goal is to not judge others and somehow rise above the transgressions of my past. I’ve sought forgiveness from God. I can’t go back and change anything. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not even looking for forgiveness from Roger Darling, Meggie or Adam Boy. All I can do is keep my mouth shut, my mind clear and try to be happy.

I wish for the three I’ve hurt the most to be happy, because I don’t want to be a goddamn grenade, anymore.

I talked to my mother today and I asked her when I should stop saying I’m sorry for all the havoc I wreaked? Her response was as soon as put down the bucket of guilt I continued to carry around. I may never be completely forgiven by my children or the man I shared 24 years of my life with, but I’m going to put down that bucket. I’m sure there will be times in my life that I will pick it up again. There will always be a part of me that knows that I fucked everything up.

I’m also acutely aware that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life because of what I’ve done. I have to be okay with that.  I have to realize that there is no such thing as unconditional love, except for the love we give our children. On this journey to myself, I’ve discovered I am a child of God. I am a sinner, but even sinners need to forgive themselves.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me…

He watches over Meggie and Adam.

And I know, He watches over Roger Darling.

 

10 thoughts on “Sliding Glass Window Oberservations From A Grenade

  1. Ah little lady, you are totally correct, and amazing, for being able to feel that truth within. That is a very long and hard journey. And as you said, forgive yourself (the hardest bit), drop the bucket of guilt, and begin to shine with the truth of that understanding within. For in there is the one thing that you got wrong…unconditional love. The day that you truly release the guilt and forgive yourself…it will just touch you around the edges, and the more you do this, the more that understanding comes within. And then one day it will totally touch you, because there is no more guilt, no more fear, no more self destruction. THAT is the key. Fully, totally accepting you for exactly who you are…a beautiful, loving human being who has been through one of the biggest wringers in life…and understood. Now release it all…for when it touches, the tears will flow unashamedly, fully, and with the release of a grief from a place within that no longer has a part of who you now are. And within that understanding …everything changes. Nothing is as it was, for you now approach all of life knowing that you are truly loved within…by you. There is no need of any other. That acceptance is all that is needed.
    May you gain the wisdom to accept and touch that beautiful lady within. Namaste

    • Thank you my love for all of your kind words. My daughter didn’t think too highly of my post. Ah well, I tried. I am a grenade after all. I have to forgive myself and move forward. This life is worth living and I am a good person. I want to believe that so badly. I will continue to try and grow. To keep my eye on the sparrow. And hopefully to someday be loved again.

      Love,
      Renee

      • Your family will hold many hurts and pain from what has occurred, just as you do. But it is in forgiving yourself, and them too, that the grenade will no longer be a part of who you are. Your children are still very young and don’t have your wisdom yet. But eventually they will understand, because they too will stand in your shoes (not completely the same things will happen), and then the penny will drop. Then they will also begin to forgive, and understand that it doesn’t matter who we are, we all go through this understanding in one way or another. The hard bit is in forgiving ourselves because we totally focus on what we have done and hold ourselves in this guilt pattern…so that we DO learn how to forgive ourselves. And yes you are a good person, beautiful like all the diamonds in the world, and worth more than anything that is on this earth. Never doubt it. It is in believing in ourselves that the unconditional love begins. Accept who you are. Yes, you did things, but it is in realising that, understanding that that is NOT who you want to be…and rebuilding that truth within that IS who you are, and loving that person.
        When you reach that truth you will no longer need to ‘find’ someone who will love you, you will attract the exact right person because of where you will be now giving from. If you ‘need’ someone, then you will attract a ‘needy’ someone. If you ‘love’ yourself, then you will attract a ‘loving’ someone. They are already there waiting…now love you my friend. Breeeathe, take your time, it is in giving to yourself that you will be in the right place. Practice by giving love to that beautiful foot of yours that has been through the wars 🙂 Heal it from within, then give to you too.
        Namaste

      • My dear friend, thank you so much for the kind comments. I’m working on being better, every day. I want to be a good woman. I want to be a terrific mother, daughter and friend. I want to love myself as I am. I don’t want to be needy. I think I’m on the right path. I’ll walk it alone, or with someone else. If I do walk that path alone, I will not be lonely. My life is full. I hope yours is too.

        Namaste and love,
        Renee

  2. You know what? I love your news feeds! I love your sense of humor. I love that you see the error of your ways.

    Now that you see them you can quit bumping into them and dance around them.

    You see my love, life is a constant dance around the errors of our way. Character growth is always a challenge, some get harder lesson subjects then others … why? Because they CAN rise above them.

    So put that bucket not down, but insert grenade and throw that damn thing out the window. Enough guilt!

    You’ve learned, now walk in your beautiful new light. Oh, and PS, love will come your way again, never ever give up on love. XO, Sheri

    • Dear Sheri,

      Thank you so much for your kindness. You are such an inspirational woman.

      You are right, I need to throw the grenade in the bucket and blow it up. I’ll dance again, but not with the ghosts of my past. Or the errors either.

      I’m such a silly one when it comes to writing my status updates on FB. I’m so glad you like them. It’s where I got my start.

      Thanks again for everything my dear. xoxoxoxox

      Love,
      Renee

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