Two Days Til Touch Down

Pushing Forward

‘You look so pretty’, I told Lo as she walked up the stairs.

‘You do too’, she replied. ‘Why are you wearing a dress?’

‘Because none of my shorts fit.’

‘They will again, ya dork.’

I gave her a tiny smile while I put the brakes on my chair and lifted it over the threshold of my apartment door. I have to admit, I feel pretty bad ass when I do that. Who knew I’d be able to lift a wheelchair while standing on one leg? I stood at the top of the stairs as Lo walked past me and took my chair down the stairs. I laughed as she banged the damn thing down every step. She laughed as I hopped on one leg down those same steps. I’m sure my neighbors hate all the noise I make. When I run into The Old Lady that lives beside me, she often gives me the stink eye for absolutely no reason. Bitch! I digress.

Lo waited for me at the bottom of the steps. I hopped and fell into the chair.

‘I’m so damn sick of this shit!’

‘Think about how I feel’,  Lo exclaimed. ‘I have to carry that damn chair of yours everywhere.’

We laughed as I hopped yet again and maneuvered into the passenger seat of her car. As we traveled to Saline, we caught up on the events of the night before. She went to visit a mutual friend of ours and I hung out with Bette. I tried not to cry while she told me of her happiness. I sat next to her and smiled, but behind my sunglasses the tears flowed.

‘I often think it would be easier on everyone if I died in the accident.’

‘Nae, God saved you for a reason.’

‘What is that reason though?!’

I for reasons I can not fathom think it would have been easier if I’d died. My family and friends would have grieved, and I wouldn’t have felt any more pain or loneliness. I would have stopped incessantly crying, or the constant wishing for things that are never going to come to me.

‘Lo, I feel so broken.’

‘Honey, we are all broken, in our own way.’

‘At least you have the prospect of someone to love you.’

God saved you in that accident. He hasn’t shown you the reason you were saved, because you’re not open to Him.

Our conversation died when her phone rang. I sat with my hands crossed in my lap and tried to compose myself. Rolling down the window, I let the fresh air dry my tears. I inhaled the scent of summer and freedom. All of a sudden, I was slammed with the urge to tuck and roll out of Lo’s car and find a pool to jump into. Wheelchair and advisement from my surgeon be damned! How I’ve missed my rebel spirit.

Before grocery shopping we met T at Cancun for lunch. I was so glad I’d done my hair and makeup. I felt pretty, even though I was sitting in a chair, and had gained so much weight while I’ve been recuperating. T’s daughter joined us and Lo and I made sure to talk about inappropriate things while we we ate. Sex was often the topic. T admonished us more than once, which seemed to make Lo and I act even more lewd. T’s daughter didn’t seem to mind, though she did blush a time or two. The young woman was so fair complected, I bet one could see her red glow from a mile away. She had a gentle but guarded smile, and all I wanted to do was hug her.

At Wally World, Lo brought around scooter for me to shop with. I drove the thing like a pro. I didn’t have my brace on and was constantly hoping other shoppers didn’t think I was using it because I was too fat to walk. I have no idea why I gave a shit what perfect strangers thought of me driving around in a Walmart scooter, but I did. I made sure to smile at the people that stared at me. Often, I balanced on one foot to grab items from a high shelf. Lo may have to drive me, but I did my very best to be independent when shopping.

After checking out, Lo took me home. I waited while she took my groceries up to my apartment and placed them on the table. Her car radio blared because we needed to hear how the Tigers game would end. While Martinez struck the ball with his bat, I raised my face to the sun and breathed in my last bit of summer and freedom for the day. The Tigers won while she wheeled me to my door. She dragged my wheelchair up the stairs, and I went up the steps on my butt. I slid into my chair like Lieutenant Dan and lifted that damn chair over the threshold on one leg. My BFF and I hugged and said our goodbyes.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the last time I would be lifting my chair over the metal molding in my apartment doorway. It was the last time Lo Lo would have to drag my chair up and down the stairs. It was the last time I would have to take my wheelchair on a shopping excursion. It was the last time she’d have to push me around in my chair while I stubbornly tried to push it myself.

Two days till touch down…I hope I find out why God saved me on that snowy night in March…Maybe it’s something as simple smelling the aroma of summer and freedom…Maybe it’s for something greater…Maybe it’s to experience the joy of becoming a grandmother…Maybe, maybe, maybe…

10 thoughts on “Two Days Til Touch Down

  1. Maybe its so you can feel all that negativity within you (that we all have), so that when you are shown the beauty that is inside you, you’ll know what to release, you’ll know what to change, you’ll know how to be different and be that beauty inside. And best of all, you’ll appreciate so much more BECAUSE of exactly what you’ve been through. And in that process you come much, much closer to what unconditional love is. It’s just sitting there waiting for you until your ready to embrace it. Your going through such an important part of what you can become. That foot will be the most frustrating, painful, #%$^*& thing that can happen to you…but it will make you look inside and decide just what is important to you…and the change will begin. What do you really want…really…not chocolate and ice cream (which is really nice), but what does your heart want more than anything. Love. And you won’t be attracting anyone giving out feelings of #^*$#. Would you be attracted to some one like that? So lets begin this new life with the change you want. And don’t try to change everything at once. That’s asking for a negative response trying to juggle everything at once. First things first…your attractive anyway…so lets start with something to help the change along…a nice walk everyday on your new foot, gently at first but allow it to be an enjoyable experience, not a walk because you have to walk. Look around you, see the butterflies, watch the people, reduce your stress and then give from a much calmer, relaxed and charming place. Probably meet Mr Right on a set of crutches!🙂 Take care and give yourself time, your worth it, every last second! Namaste

    • Dear Mark,

      You made me cry. How beautiful all of your words are. I’ll carry with me as I work on changes, one at a time. First things first, I need to learn to walk again. I don’t care if I can only walk 100 steps. At least I’ll get to be outside. I’ll be able to feel the sun on my white skin and taste rain on my tongue. I will be able to understand freedom and be empathetic to those that will never leave the confines of their chairs. I will walk to the nearby bus stop and ride just to find out how close I can get to my office. Or how many times I have to transfer so I can get close, but not too close. So I can take a short walk on my way to work each morning. I will wait to find love with someone else, because learned to love myself yet. I will revel in my freedom. And I will never, ever take for granted this life again. You always know the right things to say to me. Namaste.

      Love,
      Renee

  2. It wasn’t your time to die which is why you didn’t, you may not have anything big and exciting in your life in the future that doesn’t mean you are not meant to be her doing what you do each and every day

  3. Everyday you get up and you decide what kind of day to have. I stay there sometimes and visualize my day, think about the things I want to accomplish, and then push my feet over the edge and dive right in.

    • That’s exactly what I do. Most days are good. Some days suck. I do get out of bed everyday, and pray for the best.

      It’s good to hear you’re one that dives right in.

      Love,
      Renee

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