Slow Down, You Walk Too Fast

The judge looked at me, ‘It’s my understanding that you’ll be keeping your married name’. All I could say in reply was a simple yes, but I wanted to say so much more.

  • You see, I wanted to tell him that I was a Heath longer than I was a Homan so that’s why I wanted to keep my married name.
  • You see, I wanted to tell him that I had raised two children with that man and would continue to co-parent even after I wanted a divorce. And that’s why I wanted to keep my married name.
  • You see, that even though the marriage failed because of me, I felt a sense of pride in being married to such a good man for so long. 

As R and I were walking to the court house two weeks ago, I once again had to tell him to slow down so I could keep up. I’ve never been able to walk as fast as he can and with my new ankle and a substantial limp, it’s impossible for me to even attempt to do so now.

I asked him if he thought my new gait was funny, he chuckled and then replied, ‘you’ve always walked kind of stupid’; ‘flat footed and all’. I gave a raucous laugh in return and decided that I had to agree with him.

He did slow down so I could walk beside him. The late summer sun shined on our heads as a gentle wind whipped my blonde hair. A few strands caught in my mouth and I had to keep wiping my face to pull them out.

We crossed a busy Main Street and once we were at the courthouse doors, R held them open for me. I limped into the building with him behind me. We walked through security and took the elevator to the second floor.

R and I sat in the hallway outside the judge’s office and chatted. We laughed at the toddler that was yelling at her mama and running around her baby brother’s stroller.

The court attorney came to the door and called out, ‘The Heaths’. We walked into his office, and calmly and amicably dissolved our 24 year marriage.

Everyone was nice to us and we were nice to each other. I don’t think R cried when the judge asked if the marriage was beyond repair, but I did. It’s hard to admit that after 24 years it didn’t work anymore.

Afterward, R and I had a late lunch and then he took me back to my place. We said our goodbyes and I walked inside as he drove away.

Often, I try to pry into R’s life to find out how he’s doing. To see if his broken heart has mended and to find out if he’s happy. He gives me general answers to my questions, even when I try to dig deeper. I figure, it’s his right to do so, since it’s not up to me to make sure he’s happy anymore.

I hope he knows that all I want is for him to find someone to love him completely. And I hope that he wishes me no ill will, and that I’m happy too.

 

6 thoughts on “Slow Down, You Walk Too Fast

  1. It is an interesting time when the actual divorce thing gets done. I watched a fellow worker come in to work very drunk, singing, skipping and dancing and waving his divorce papers all around…but all I could feel was an underlying pain.
    When my divorce came through after 25 years, I just felt sad. But now in hindsight it did go exactly where it needed to, so that I could feel the rumblings of a feeling that had, and would, for many years to come, make me feel the fear of rejection, and it began the journey of allowing me to understand my inner pain of feeling unloved and a low self esteem.
    Painful…yes, but eventually with a love that allowed me to find me…and the beauty that is inside us all after we trek that path to finally see the truth that is within us all.
    You gave just by caring, even after the event. Not an easy thing to do, especially if you feel it was your fault.
    But most importantly it is what you feel about yourself and take with you after all is said and done. If you can understand what drove you to be where you were, and by understand the wisdom it contains from stepping through the fear that drove it…then you are exactly where you need to be. More loving to yourself, and now more giving to others because of that.
    Big journey Renee, now just be you….the truth of what you have become because of that. A new journey has begun…blessings to that path. xo

    P.S. Glad the foot is better, even with a wobble…now go get ’em 😀

  2. Oh this brought back memories. I kept my married name (after 15 years) because I wanted the same name as my four children.
    Sad was what I felt, too. That week, the paper announced the same number of divorces as it did marriages. Sadder. Now I’ve been married for many years to someone who is so right for me, it’s hard to believe I was ever married to someone else. Time and love heals.

  3. My first wife and I had a very amicable divorce. But, let me warn you, she turned out to have strong narcissistic tendencies and, when i started dating (she was engaged), she turned and became that horrible divorce person we all kinda fear. Just saying that okay now may or may not be okay later.
    Wishing the both of you the best.
    Scott

    • I’m glad you shared your story with me. Neither my ex or I are dating but I’m sure that it will happen in the future. I hope we can remain amicable when that occurs.

      As time goes by I know we will forget a lot of the bad things that happened and we may even romanticize the tough time as not being so. But I think it’s best we made the split. I would have continued with my self destruction and he would have been powerless to help me.

      I’ll always remember our good years though. We were a good team, he and I.

      Love, Renee

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