There but for the grace of God go I

I saw her this morning and I know she saw me. She was holding a Speedway Pizza and 44 oz. soda, but it was only 9:45 in the morning. I tried not to pity her, this pasty white young woman with a horrible diet. I could tell by her unlined skin that she was in her 20’s, but the weight made her look older. She wore Capri jeans and a bulky t-shirt and was sweating at the effort it took her to walk to her vehicle. She set the items down on the hood of her powder blue mini-van coated thickly with dust from what I presumed was the dirt road she lived on.

I could tell she wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. To blend in with the pavement and her powder blue mini-van. Just unlock the door, take her food and make her getaway to consume her poison in peace. I didn’t make eye contact with her, but I wanted to. I wanted to hug her and tell her I knew how she felt. That I hated food because the shittier it was for me the better it tasted. I wanted to tell her that I too was an addict that wanted to lie in bed and consume all the best and worst foods and die in a caloric avalanche. Instead, I said nothing, because she probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

I walked into Speedway and purchased an unsweetened iced tea with lots of ice. I shared pleasantries with the cashier while I made my purchase and tried not to loathe the way I looked in my tight yoga pants and tank top. All 265 lbs. of me turned and walked out of the store and to Eddie the Wonder Dog waiting in my car. As I walked, I felt the constant pain of what felt like a pebble grinding into my left heel. Another pain I have to deal with because of obesity. I swear to you every pain I feel, both physically and mentally is because of this fat boundary that I’ve built around me.

Once in my vehicle, I glanced through my side window at the mini-van woman. There she was downing a soda, and eating her first slice of pizza. My heart hurt for her, well, for both of us really. Why was it that women like she and I struggled so, while other didn’t seem to? I reached down and started my car, turned to hug my Eddie Dog and then put the car in reverse. It was time to go home and measure out the portions of my morning meal, a hard-boiled egg, 1 cup of skim milk, 3/4 cup of protein cereal, and piece of fruit.

I’m determined this time, not only to make the diet stick, but to remain healthy. That’s the ultimate goal really, to wake in the morning with less physical and mental pain. To look forward to picking out healthy food and fun clothes to wear. To be able to run again, if I want to. Or swim, bike, or maybe even date. Who knows what the future holds for me? All I know is I don’t want my weight deciding my future for me, I want to be the master of my own fate.

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13 thoughts on “There but for the grace of God go I

  1. Heeeey Renee, glad to hear that angelic voice again, you’ve been quiet πŸ™‚
    Is this really you above? I think not!
    The only thing that keeps you in that frame of mind is any negativity you have about yourself. The food is irrelevant my friend.
    Why do you feel that way? Look back, way back into how you feel you have been treated, especially by those you loved and looked up to as a child. How did they make you feel?
    Look, and I mean really look inside and tell yourself the truth of how you felt you were treated by either a parent, friends, partners, and ask yourself, how did they make you feel inside.
    Find the culprit deep down inside, because we cover it over as children because we don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with it so we just put up a wall, and as we get older we just forget (and just don’t want to look at it because it hurts), until all we know is we are fearful or afraid of being treated a certain way. And it always comes back to being rejected by those we love.
    Look inside Renee, that’s the way home, and in daring to look at it, you will be free, and I mean really free, a happiness like no other, because once you find the meaning behind that fear, in that understanding it loses its power over you and you are finally released of its servitude.
    Slave or master….choose! And be free πŸ˜€

    Footnote*: I’ve missed you, that bright sparkly writer who always gave me a story to lighten (or sometimes make me think), my crazy day over here. How is your friend in crime….the pup (who is most certainly not a pup by now) πŸ˜€

    • Hello my friend! I took my blog down for a few months because I was so depressed the words wouldn’t come to me anymore. Last Saturday, I saw that woman and knew I just had to write about her, and me. I had to talk about my struggle and the decision to get better. I’ve missed writing and how cathartic it can be. I’ve missed bleeding all over the place with words. I’ve missed my friends in the blogosphere. You especially of course.

      I know where my hurt is rooted. It’s with my family. I’m adopted and always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I can say it was my parents, and it was, but it was also on me. I needed to be strong enough to rise above the words said, but I was a child and didn’t know how to. Now that I’m a grown ass woman, I do know. These last few years have taught me so much and I know that I want to live a healthy and strong life.

      I will no longer feel shame. I am strong and I am free.

      Thank you for your words and support my friend. I’m so glad to be back.

      Love, Renee

      P.s. Of course that photo isn’t me, but she is one of my idols. I’m not a pretty girl in the conventional sense, I’m a funny girl.

      Hello, Gorgeous.

      • Thank you kind lady, I knew I was annoying someone somewhere πŸ˜€
        That outside looking in isn’t an easy journey Renee, but wow, is it ever freeing to understand why and finally be totally released by a servitude like no other.
        And who says your not attractive young lady, if I lived over there I would ask you out in a flash πŸ™‚ Ye of little faith. That is from negativity that we build in life. Time to give that the flick and stand in that beautiful truth that you give us in your writing. You are a crazy, beautiful woman, in heart and writing, and you can’t have one without the other. There are multitudes of other crazy, attractive men out there everywhere. And if you stay home, how can they see you to find that beauty. And while you ‘put it out there’, thinking you won’t find anyone, then the Universe will ‘not’ find you anyone. Be the beauty that you are, be truly loving to you and write from that lovely heart, and just be ‘you’, and you will attract accordingly.
        Trust me, I know :), I have a Part 2 to my ‘First Love’ post, and it was only because I released that same attitude that you are now facing. And as soon as I did, ‘she’ popped back into my life. I sat there like a stunned mullet to start with…then I laughed from deep within when I realised what was happening, and the lesson I had been shown πŸ™‚
        So my friend, what say you? I look forward to you writing about your heart….yes, all of it…and stand in your truth, you may be surprised in what happens πŸ™‚
        Love from Meeeee!

      • They have such a beautiful heart and energy those pups. Doesn’t matter how old they are, they’re still a pup πŸ™‚
        And congratulations grandma, it opens another part of your heart, a special place for all those a second time around πŸ™‚
        Oh, by the way, I haven’t posted that Part 2 about that post that I mentioned aboveFirst Love yet, because it may get in the way of something that I need to ‘see’ πŸ˜€
        I’ll keep you posted (so to speak) πŸ™‚

  2. I love the compassion in this piece, where others might have laughed or sneered or been judgemental. Everyone has their way of dealing with this thing we call life. Never surrender, darling. Never.

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