Tales of a Nearly 49 Year Old Nothing

Listen to me! Think what it is like to have most of your life ahead and be told you are obsolete! Think what it is like to feel attraction, desire, affection toward others, to want to tell them about yourself, to feel that assumption on which self-respect is based, that you are worth something, that if you like someone, surely he will be pleased to know that. To be, in other words, still a living woman, and to be told that everyday, that you are not a person, but a joke. Well, I am a bitter joke. I am bitter, and frustrated, and wasted, but don’t you pretend as you look at me, 43, fat, and looking exactly my age, that I am not as alive as you are, and that I do not suffer from the category into which you are forcing me. Zoe Moss-It Hurts to be Alive and Obsolete: The Ageing Woman

In the conference room, I sat in a chair without arms to accommodate my hips and ass made too large from stress eating. The food I put in my mouth seems to be the only control I have these days. I hate that I have no control, hence the reason I’m sitting in a sterile conference room on a Monday morning, with the HR Manager and my team lead. I was feeling confident about the performance improvement plan that I’d been on for the last sixty days, as my job performance and accuracy had been increasing. That was until they began to speak. I was told that I’d failed it and would be removed from my position immediately. It had been decided by the team lead and her supervisor that there was no way I could continue the momentum of my accuracy rate of 97%. I also wasn’t approving at least 30 reports a day, so they were going to immediately move me another position.

The HR Manager slid a sheet of paper in front of me and ask that we read through it together. This was difficult for me as I was in tears, and trying to digest all of what was being discussed. In summary, the settlement agreement would allow me to stay long enough to be eligible for full retirement from the U, but I could not be hired into the my current placement  ever again. Here I was, almost 49, single, fat, no higher education, a recovering addict, mother of grown children and grandmother, being told, bitch, you got to go!

They sent me home to read the agreement and consult with a lawyer before I signed it. I did that, but I also thought about how I’d gotten here. Part of the reason I was here was because I was an addict that had ruined my work reputation while I was trying to kill myself with drinking and other self destructive behaviors. I also had shown too much of my personality while at my new job. I laughed too loud, I joked too much, and I was too friendly. I didn’t focus enough on the work at hand, and that caused my managers to look at me negatively. I was scrutinized every time I made a mistake, but I owned the errors.

The next day I went back to work. I went back to my old desk and packed up my crap. I was smart when I moved to my new location and didn’t place too many personal items on my desk. I swear, I instinctively knew that I shouldn’t get too comfortable. And I never was…

I was told by the team lead and her manager that I would make the announcement to my colleagues that I was moving. And I did, with a smile on my face and positive lilt to my voice. But, if they could have seen inside of my body while I spoke to them, they would have seen a maze of jangled nerves, rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and racing thoughts skittering around a brain in early recovery from alcoholism.

I took my medicine though, and I walked my chair and box of belongings down to the first floor.

My former supervisor handed me off to my new supervisor. The new supervisor greeted me with such positivity and warmth, I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry. I kept my head down to hide the tears, and went about the task of setting up my new work space. I put up a couple of photos of my grandson, but now that I’ve been in the job a few weeks, I’ve removed them. I’ve decided to keep my work space neutral. To keep the desk space clear of clutter, and to keep focused on learning my new job.

I’ve learned that I’m expendable, because of my personal and work history, and my age. I’m obsolete. I’ve married and divorced. I’ve bore children and raised them. I’ve worked at the U since I was 20 and I’ve worn out my welcome at nearly 49. I’ve nowhere to go from here. I guess what I should say is, I don’t know where to go. I’m so unsure of myself and I wallow in anxiety and depression everyday. I’m not young, but I am not old. I am not book smart but I am not dumb. However, because of previous errors in my life, I will always viewed as not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough. Never enough.

My daughter has told me to buck up and deal with it, but my tender heart continues to be crushed with sadness and fear, every time I try to look into the future. Because honestly, I see no future for me. Tell me, wouldn’t you be scared if that’s what you saw when you looked ahead, was nothing?

I want to feel vibrant and alive again. I want to feel stable. I want to feel hope again! To sparkle. Unfortunately, I don’t even know what to do or where to begin this process.

Actually, I think I’ll start here. I pray that this is my future, and I pray that I find my way home…

 

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14 thoughts on “Tales of a Nearly 49 Year Old Nothing

  1. Well, I wanted to cry when I read this title. NO! I won’t accept that. I will have to come back later to read the post, as I must dash now, but I had to say something, Renee.

  2. I have learned to trust in God. I say prayers and know that all things work out in the end. It may look like the end, but it’s not until it all works out. Some paths take the strangest twists. Who would have thought that a near-death stroke would have been my pathway to being published and learning to write more and more in my life?
    Scott

    • I’m praying everyday my friend. I’m doing my best to walk the path that He has set my feet upon, but I’m so tired Scott. I will put my trust in this process, and use it as a stepping stone to better things.

  3. Fuck them! You are definitely not obsolete, you are a strong woman and I got 100% faith that you will soon kick ass in a new job. Big kisses and hugs to you though and can’t wait to hear fantastic news abt yr great new job… 😍😍😍

  4. Sadly you are not alone many women feel the same way, it is as getting older is a s in or crime or something and it makes me bloody mad at 54 I am still a bloody useful and needed person but there have been times that I have felt like I no longer matter.

  5. Hey sunshine, how come you get to have all the fun 😀
    A secret if I may….quite a few years ago I found myself in a place I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy…emphysema, legionnaires disease, pneumonia, Ross River Fever…and last, but not least…splitting up with the most beautiful woman in the world, absolutely flat broke and living with my mom (who I might add, had had heart problems so I elected to go down to where she lived and look after her…I don’t know who was looking after who in the end 😀 ). Oh, and did I mention that spirit rolled up one night and happened to mention I would die when I was 60 (I’m now 57).
    And it was a time that I thought…what the hell did I do? Did I deserve all this? What could I possibly learn from all of this?
    Well, I did learn…one of the most beautiful things that I have ever understood in all of this…was that I AM worth so much more than all that the world had thrown at me, and then some. BUT, unless it tried to bury me, I would never have understood me…that place within that had had a lifetime of struggles, belittlement, and rubbished on from a great height and then some. I needed to understand that I am not what has been heaped onto me…that is only what I attracted because of how I felt about myself. That lifetime of negativity until I believed it, and fought anything that loved me with a vengeance.
    At the time I was very miserable, in pain, and couldn’t see anything worth a dime for my future…and in my heart, nowhere to go. But slowly I took a step…and then another…shoot, I even made a decision occasionally that didn’t look like anything much at the time. But slowly I realised that the very fact that I was making decisions told me one thing…I was worth it…and it was up to me to find that worth. So I did…slowly finding that what went before was needed, so that I would begin this path, make more decisions, and slowly realise…I am ok…but with one distinction. I no longer believed the world because it was driven by fear, just as I had been. So I took the courage I was building and I began to build for me, build a new me, one that realised that the world did have a purpose, one that I allowed to bury the truth of who I am…so that I would one day reach this point and within its uproar I would take back the reins of my life, and begin to steer from MY heart.
    And now I look back, and I can ‘see’ that it did have purpose, a very great purpose. For without that pain, emotionally, physically and even spiritually, I would never have found what I had been trying to find all my life. That love that we all seek, just resting inside waiting to be discovered, but cannot be found until it is broken open. Removing a fearful wall of belief that holds us tight until it is time to really look within. To ‘see’ with our inner eye, and not the eyes of the world.
    You my friend, are at your crossroads, the one that says ‘I believe’…and you take a step…and then another. And I swear to you, when you look back…you will ‘see’ for the very first time that yes, it is worth it, to find that love within. It is a journey we all must take…but the treasure you will find will so outweigh what went before.
    I ‘see’ you…now its your turn! Big hugs Renee, let your heart roam free…and believe in you ❤ 😀

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