31 Days and Counting

marilyn 1

“Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” – Marilyn Monroe

Step 1: I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol that my life had become unmanageable.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

Ay, there’s the rub, catch, or whatever you want to call it. The searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. It’s not easy for a procrastinator like me to park my ass in a chair for a couple of hours and list all of my resentments.  My flaws. Wrongs that I cannot right. Pieces of my past I gloss over. Only to bring them up again so someone can point out how fucked up I am. It’s unnerving and it makes angry. It’s why I gave up going to AA the last time I got sober. I became what you’d call a dry drunk. I didn’t drink, but I didn’t do the work to stay sober either.

31 days ago I’d had enough. I bought a Big Book and began reading it. I even got a sponsor. Of course being the pig headed woman I am, I tried to move ahead and do some of the other steps before completing Step 4. Super Sponsor called me a cowboy and told me to do the program by myself if I was so damn smart. Thing is, I’m not smart. I’m frightened beyond belief. When I finally admitted that to myself, the work began.

My sponsor told me to remember that I wasn’t writing prose. I’m a writer though, and it’s what I wanted to do. I wrote my list in a way that maybe someday my words could be used as a soliloquy if I ever got to do a big Share at an Open AA meeting. Of course I look at the sentence I just typed and laugh at my arrogance. That’s not what Step 4 is about. It’s about letting go of resentment and all that other junk that weighs us down.

Last night I sat at the kitchen table and completed parts I and II of Step 4.  With all the courage I could muster, I texted my sponsor and told him I was finished. His response, only three little letters, ‘ILY’. It made my night to know that he was still in my corner. Still cheering me on.

There’s more work to be completed, but I’m closer than I was two days ago. I’ve been sober for 31 days. I’m not going through withdrawal anymore. I can sleep through the night without having horrific cravings and nightmares. I don’t want to beat the shit out of everyone I come in contact with. I’m generally a happy person to be around again. I’m snarky, sarcastic, fun loving, a smart ass, sparkly, and basically a raving lunatic. So yeah, I’m pretty much back to normal.

What I find most difficult to do at the moment is find my muse. She or he is hiding in plain sight I’m sure. Pray, keep your fingers crossed, dance naked in the moonlight, or whatever you need to do to help me find it again. I’ll be sitting at a table, working on part III of Step 4.

Love and kisses,

Renee

Advertisements

A Moment with James and Marilyn

James and Marilyn

Jimmy honey, make yourself useful and get me a glass of champagne., Marilyn gave a wave of her hand and flashed her million dollar smile.

Lynn my sweet, get it your damn self., James muttered.

Oh dear, don’t you know who I am?

Of course my sweet. But don’t you know who I am?

Yes of course dear, however I am better than you. she replied and winked at him.

Whatever my sweet woman, you are merely a beauty.,  he joked.

Honey, I am so much more than that., she chided.

Lynn, of course I know that. You are the most dangerous kind of woman there is. You have brains and beauty.

Her eyes clouded with tears. She gingerly replied, Jimmy I do believe that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He replied with all seriousness on his handsome face., “I mean it Lynn, I do.”

He gets up from his spot on the floor and returns with a rose and glass of champagne. He hands it to the beauty with brains. The alluring Marilyn Monroe. After James Dean is seated, the photographer sets their pose. Before the shutter clicks, they change positions and turn. They make the photo their own. Who are they to be told what to do? The are legends.